Tuesday, February 10, 2015

That Voice in Your Head: I'm finally being completely honest with myself

So this post is a little more personal and probably going to be a long rant of stuff bouncing around in my head all day. I've realized I have a complex....which usually comes out when something is changing and I'm trying to adjust.

You know that voice you have in the back of your head? Normally it's telling you to make good decisions or telling you when something is off about a situation. Typically its the voice of good sense that you just decided to ignore. Well mine is just a bitch.
She is the side of me that is never satisified- she is extremely judgmental of myself and is always pushing for more. On some level that's good, at least I'm always striving for something, but she really just needs to shut up sometimes. She is also very quick tempered and makes me rather moody!

I've always had a plan for things. I have wanted to be a vet since I was five years old and had my whole life mapped out- until roughly my junior year of college. I started burning out and wondering if it was what I really wanted. Now I've completely changed directions, have no idea what I'm doing, and I'm being a house wife in Hawaii. Not that that is a bad thing! It's just weird to not have a plan.

I had a little bit of a freak out the other day because this controlling bitchy voice of mine took over my head. She always says "What are you doing with your life?" "What you're doing now isn't good enough!" "Why aren't you being successful at this?" "If you don't keep rolling and pushing for your goals you're never going to get it!" "Work harder!" "Push for what you want and get it now you're running out of time!" While I was wanting to go to vet school it was the same thing. "Better grades...work harder....why aren't you getting this? Why aren't you smart enough? Why can't you do internships, work, go to school, and have animals?" "You're never going to get in unless you pull it together" "Oh...looks like you couldn't do it...college burn out....let's just settle for graduation."

My dearest hubby snapped me out of it like he usually does. We don't need to have everything figured out at 22 years old and we are in fact very successful. We have accomplished a lot- just because I don't have my end-result dream job doesn't mean I'm never going to get it.

So today I started realizing my awful habit of things and how I really need to calm the fu** down sometimes. I'm a person that always needs to have something to do- which is why I have a lot of hobbies. I read, I write, I paint, I do stuff with the dogs all the time, and I love to work out. (In fact I need to work out...otherwise I start to get really bitchy. I think it's my sense of control and releasing endorphins that I love so much about it!)
But being busy isn't my issue- I need to be able to just be peaceful. While we were dating I was always looking forward to my next trip to be able to see him. While I was in school it was always the next classes, the next projects- and that after graduation something would fall into my lap and I would figure it out. Last year it was buying a house; decorating, painting, gardening, getting renters. Then it was the wedding; planning, shopping, making invitations, etc. etc.
Then it was moving to Hawaii; packing, graduating, shipping animals, etc. etc.

These are all great things but I'm always needing to move onto something else. Now that I'm here, there is nothing to reach for. Which is why I think I've been a little edgy. I did get a job on the weekends, which I absolutely love, but the guy is being really sucky about paying me. = makes me feel unvaluable= makes me feel like I'll never have a good job= I went to school so that I could be a house wife.

And then that got me thinking. What is it like to live in a society where what you do doesn't define who you are? Many countries in Europe are that way- they work to live, not live to work. Why am I defining myself by what I can get for a job? We are a young married couple, with a house we are renting out, and living in Hawaii. I have two dogs and a cat with me and three horses and rabbit back home. I ride horses on the beach on the weekends and he has a steady pay check from the Navy. We have goals and ideas and plans for where we want to be. So why am I being so hard on myself all the time?

Great question. Because that voice in my head is just rude. When I turn into this person I feel like I'm not good enough, like I should be doing something more or something better. I look in the mirror and think " Need to tone the butt.... need to get a boob job....need to get rid of these stupid bangs."

So as of today- I have finally been honest with myself. I'm way too hard on myself and I think moving out here, away from usual routine, my friends, my family, my old job....is to  change my perspective and really teach me a life lesson. We are only out here for a short time. When we move back and I do get that crazy amazing job I'll be thinking "wow I wish I had time to read. Why didn't I just hang out on the beach and write and paint all day long?" Because I'm always striving for what I don't have and that's just a shitty way to be.

So as of today....I'm going to get it together in my head and start enjoying things for being slow, and be happy for the present moment. I have much to learn and need to open my mind and allow that to happen !

That's why god invented wine <3